It's Not Okay
by wons
Summary: The water didn't help to wash away the bloodstains, instead they ached because of the cold, and because of all the memories that came back. (Read more short stories on my tumblr aejumi, or on archiveofourown site with the same username: wons)


The cold water that ran over his hands did not help to wash out the bloodstains. He rubbed with the help of his thumb; hard and harder, but still they wouldn't go back to normal. His hands reddened even more, this time because of the cold. In the end, he just let his hands under the water and watched the lake water continue on its way.

"It's not okay," Nobunaga murmured, saying that for no one in particular to hear.

He started to think back on a past memory as he listlessly stared at his hands. He remembered the time she held his cold newly washed hands with some hint of blood on them. She didn't hesitate for a moment to hold them, to draw them close to her and warm them. In the process, not only did she warm his hands, but also his heart. His eyes were the proof of the warmth, she always told him. The hint of life in them for more than just achieving this "dream" showed he was truly living, she used to tell him.

It was okay with her here. It was more than okay. Now that she was gone, it wasn't.

Slowly, but surely, he was forgetting her warmth. The memory of her warmth over his body left him in mere weeks, but that didn't bother him. What bothered him was his heart. He opened his heart to all the new vulnerabilities, emotions and experiences. Now there's no more. Nothing more than her memories to hurt his heart. Sometimes he wishes his heart never got free from the shackles to melt with love, because then he wouldn't be going on living with a shattered heart now. But sometimes he curses himself to even have this thought, because without those memories he doesn't know he could live yet another day.

He pulled out his hands from under the water. He couldn't feel his fingers and he couldn't care less. But still, he moved his fingers to provide some motion, just because he had to keep going.

He cursed under his breath because his hands were so cold they were starting to hurt. With that came some sudden flashbacks back too, sometimes so vivid he thought she was just beside him.

"Hush now… it's okay." Her voice was low and body was weak but she still managed to hold his hand.

Nobunaga shook his head and supported her body that lay on the grass closer to him. He kept shaking his head repeating the word 'no' countless times.

"No, no, no," He pleaded, "please no, no." Tears were falling down over her cheek. Both hers and his. His tears only ever fell when it was about her and this time they refused to stop.

She was crying too, but she smiled despite that. Comforting him even in her last moments and saying their sacred words to him over and over again, "it's okay." She was cursing at her fate for leaving so soon, swearing at the gods for taking away their happiness, and begging whatever powers there might be to keep her love safe. Her last seconds with him only allowed her to say I love yous and it's okays.

The pain was inevitable in Nobunaga's eyes and he couldn't stop his hands from trembling as he brushed her tears away.

"It's okay," she kept repeating and each word kept going quieter, "I love you. It will be okay."

Nobunaga, through all the willpower he had left, smiled and nodded at her, "Yes, it will be okay." He watched her eyes close and her body lose more of its strength. Her hand in his loosened but he never let it go. He whispered, drawing her limp body close to his aching chest, "I love you and I always will," his voice cracked unwillingly, "It will be okay." He said those words to send her away peacefully.

When after many seconds there was no answer back, he broke down and sobbed. It was only then he realised that, this was the last time he'd ever hear her voice, to ever feel her warmth, to ever hold conversations to with her, to ever laugh about silly things with her, to ever make love to her, and to ever comfort her.

"Lord Nobunaga…" A concerned voice broke through Nobunaga's thoughts. It was Hideyoshi.

Nobunaga's back was turned away from him and he wiped away any tears that ran down his cheeks with his ever cold hands.

Before turning away from the water, he murmured again, "It's not okay." And he thought, as he faced Hideyoshi and walked past him to continue with the endless wars, maybe it never will be quite okay either.


End file.
